the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I could make wine with my vomit
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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