I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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