my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
