I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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