You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
