Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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