It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
