I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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