one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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