I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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