at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
