after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize