I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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