She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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