**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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