Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize