I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize