So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
