I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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