There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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