All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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