do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
