he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
