Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
