did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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