One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
even my farts smell like vagina
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
