he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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