Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
