if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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