i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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