i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
