dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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