Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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