I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
