Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need a burrito and a hug.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
