So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
