i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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