Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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