i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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