come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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