There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
