Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
