I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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