there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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