I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize