My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
