pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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