when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
