There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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