I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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