Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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