I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
