guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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