We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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