omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
