I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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