I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize