Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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