Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
