If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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