everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
