you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
