i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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