You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
