someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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