I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
