I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
