he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
