you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
