My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
