Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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