I'm sorry my penis didn't work
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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