I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
